There was a substantial layer of dust and a fair amount of cobwebs dangling in often hard-to-reach places, and rather than spend the time trying to breathe new life into it, I've decided to pull the plug.
I came to the decision for two reasons.
1.) I find that a lot of the things I've written about are misinterpreted or misconstrued out of the context of what I'm trying to explain or convey. Seeing as I'm the one who's dumping out what is rambling around in my head into each entry, that's on me.
and 2.) I've long held the observation that I'm standing in the middle of a very large and very crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs that things just aren't right and no one is listening. Basically, I guess I've cried "WOLF!" too many times.
I also can't help but feel like I'm stuck in a place that is populated, by and large, with hypocrites.
It's hard to deny that we have a mental health epidemic in this country. Yesterday, in fact, there was the revelation that a woman in Oregon, a stay-at-home mother of two from what appeared to be a stereotypical "normal" family structure, was found dead in the woods near her car about a week after she disappeared.
According to the reports from law enforcement officials, the cause of death is officially suicide, and as the news spread across the social media-verse, a lot of people I know were speculating about why the woman hadn't asked for, sought out, or gotten any help before turning to such a conclusion.
I'd bet good money that either she probably had multiple times and didn't think the response she got was enough to help her deal with what was ailing her, or she felt like couldn't tell anyone because to admit such distress, whether intentional or not, is still perceived as a melodramatic exaggeration.
With that kind of stigma, is there honestly any real surprise that people who are severely depressed or otherwise struggling emotionally try their best to hide it from the world around them?
Like it or not, we're a society that thrives on a status quo of happiness both natural and manufactured. Being frustrated, angry, confused, befuddled, exhausted or in any sort of physical or psychological pain is not something to be discussed even in "polite" conversations, and we're sure as hell not supposed to utilize social media to document that fact. After all, this is the land of Buzzfeed quizzes, pretentious motivational memes and Instagram collages of what makes life great, right?
We marginalize and patronize those who cannot meet that status quo to just "Suck it up and deal," or to camouflage it as to not bring the rest of the party down. They're written off as losers, drama queens and all-around killjoys.
In the last year, I've gotten the distinct impression that the baseline of my daily operating system should be that if I have nothing nice to say like, "OMG!! My life is so totally friggin' awesome that it defies description!!" or "Here's why you need to be envious of my life because it's better than yours!!" then it's best not to say anything at all.
*Editorial Note - Believe me, I really wish I had a life that gave me such reasons to be so braggadocios and superficial. I'm still looking for it, in fact, but it remains a damn elusive lil' critter.
Over the last few years, I've had a lot of people try to tell me that the things I'm dealing with cannot be handled by me alone. They weigh too heavily and I somehow lack the capacity to properly detach myself from them. Maybe, but I've been carrying them on my shoulders since I was all of 75 pounds and still learning my times-tables. I'm not going to stop figuring out how to get rid of them.
I'm just not going to vocalize them anymore as I've also come to learn that such things in "modern" society are dangerous, untactful and are more detrimental to my long-term happiness than actually openly admitting I feel like complete shit on a given day and outlining the reasons why.
Having had experience as an actor, I learned all about wearing masks and using facades to overlap what lies at the heart of a character. So if you see me out and about in the future or if I'm online sometime, don't be afraid to ask me how I'm doing. I promise, I'll tell you exactly what you want to hear.
Life is good. Nothing to worry about. Move along. Anything else, I'll keep to myself.
So with that, I shall bring this whole odyssey to a close. The sets will be struck down later tonight and the new show, whatever it is, will take the stage.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
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