Intruders

I recently found myself in a situation I hadn't been in for close to a year and a half, feeling the urge to maybe sit down and start working on any number of my open writing projects again.

Opening the last draft of the latest story I'd worked on, it was a bit sobering to realize I went all of last year not touching any of it, even though I was about halfway done with the story by the time I stopped in late 2017.

I'd like to say it was some grand stroke of inspiration and motivation that got me back in the saddle, but instead, I started getting the itch again after watching, then rewatching, the Netflix series, Altered Carbon, in the span of about two weeks.

Editorial Note: BTW...if you ever liked cyberpunk sci-fi and/or noir detective stories, I highly recommend you check that series out. It was like watching the best Shadowrun campaign I never got a chance to play in my RPG days.

But no sooner did I dip a mental toe back into that pond then the same things that drove me out of it in the first place started rearing their ugly heads, reminding me that not only had they not gone away, but they were just as entrenched, if not more so, than they'd ever been.

As bad as living with Depression is, by far the worst part is the very real existence of intrusive thoughts, and what they can do on even the most bearable of days.

It took about five minutes or so of staring at my keyboard, trying to figure out what to put down on digital paper when I began feeling all the same things that have historically made me walk away from my keyboard and try escaping into something, anything else that would get them to just shut the hell up again.

The message never changes because it's never had to. It's a never-ending, cacophonous din of every thing I've ever been told, either by someone else or by myself, because I can never seem to be satisfied with even the process of creating something, let alone the finished product:

"What are you doing?! You DO realize this is complete and utter crap, what you're doing, yes? NO?! How can you not see that?! Everyone else does! They've been telling you that your whole life! Why do you think no one cares about you anymore?! This is why! You keep trying to ignore it and telling me I'm wrong, but look at where you are and what you are! 

This didn't happen by accident, you know, and don't think for a second this isn't COMPLETELY your fault, either! You're the reason no one gives a damn about what you're trying to do here, so just do us all a favor and quit while you're ahead, so you can spare us all the embarrassment of having to be honest in telling you that both it and you are total and absolute failures beyond any and all conceivable measure."

I'd like to tell you this is a fairly recent development, but my brain's ability to know exactly which buttons to push in order to totally sap me of any energy that I could use for something physically or emotionally positive has been around for far longer than even I probably realized.

When I was younger, as bad as these mental intruders could be, I was lucky enough to have them balanced out by being around friends, family and loved ones who offered some degree of counterpoint. As I've gotten older and had to adapt a more socially isolated life though, that ratio has swung further and further away from what helped keep it in check, in favor of declaring open season whenever I can muster the energy needed to even start a project.

Editorial Note: I know this is going to rub some of you the wrong way, but I can't continue to ignore the pachyderm in the parlor, either. Having people over the years who offered to help me with some of my projects then turn around and not only back out, but do so without any explanation, acknowledgment or apology did not help in any way, shape or form.

And here's the kicker no one seems to quite get, no matter how many times I try to explain it to them:

The harder I try to shut my intrusive thoughts up and shut them out, the harder they push back until I inevitably cave in and get tired of fighting them.

Why? Because dealing with them all the time is nothing short of exhausting.

An article I read on the subject a while back summed up dealing with it thusly:

"Intrusive Thoughts are unwanted thoughts or images that you find distressing and/or disturbing. These unwanted thoughts are known as obsessions. Intrusive thoughts can also result in compulsions, which are the things you do to help you cope with the unwanted thoughts."

One of the things I've realized over the last few years is that my intrusive thoughts don't just apply to things I once found any emotional fulfillment in. They apply very much to people as well.

The most obvious example of this, of course, is the relationship I had (for lack of a better term) with Ghost.

When I say I'd love nothing more than to be able to forget all the things that connect us, I'm not paying it any small degree of lip service. There's one small problem, though.

It doesn't matter what I am doing or where I am at any time during the day. I could be doing something that in no way whatsoever has anything to do with her and out of nowhere, my brain will start carpet-bombing me with a million intrusive memories, images, thoughts, feelings, and every single way I wronged her, whether I meant to or not...and here's far and away the worst part that I've had to explain more times than I can count. 

I can't turn it off. Ever.

Now before you start trying to tell me how that's incorrect, here's the reason why you're wrong. Intrusive thoughts are subconscious constructs, therefore I have no way of controlling when or how they decide to manifest.

It's a big part of the reason why I've struggled so much with insomnia and sleep deprivation over the years. There's nights where I can be on the verge of passing out and then have to spend the next however many hours grappling with my subconscious, because rather than giving me things to dream about, I get a seemingly endless string of intrusive thoughts instead.

Even when I was on medication and working with a therapist, they were always there, and whether I like it or not, they're always going to be. Like psychological apex predators, they'll find some dark corner of my mind, waiting for a moment when my attention is focused elsewhere so they can strike.

And to complicate matters further, is the reality that my whole reason for writing in the first place, has always been to try making sense of this ever-present maelstrom that's been floating around in my head for as long as I can remember by channeling it into fictional constructs. That means, whether I like it or not, having to tap into both the thoughts and feelings I need to deal with and work through, and the same intrusive thoughts that are doing all they can to keep me from ever getting close to them.

But how can I hope to do that when my mind pulls out every sadistic stop it has to make sure that never happens...?

Is There a Narcissist in the House...?

I'm going to posit this right out the gate.

At a time where both the concept and practice of narcissism has become so prevalent in our daily existence, thanks in no small part to the advent of social media, I feel like we've reached the point as a culture where he have to be honest with ourselves about something.

To some degree, we've ALL become narcissists.

Now, before you load your volleys of outrage for return fire over that observation, I freely concede that there are several different metrics at play here for determining a toxic narcissist from someone who dabbles with it from time to time, while still retaining the qualities which make them more socially acceptable.

That said, don't kid yourself into thinking that there's a way to inoculate or immunize yourself from it, either.

For the better part of the last week, I've been going through the not-so-pleasant process of trying to figure out how close to the mark I could find myself at this point in time and being honest about it, the self-evaluation's been more than a little disconcerting.

Look, no one ever likes to think that they've turned into a narcissist. I certainly don't. Having dealt with my fair share of them over the years, as I'm sure you have as well, the last thing any of us want is to wake up one day and realize we've become the very thing we despise.

But in some ways, it's hard for me to look at narcissism in the same way I do obsessive-compulsive disorder. I believe that we all have certain things in our particular existences that we could be considered OCD about and that's not an entirely bad thing or glaring character flaw. Just because you have a compulsion to organize your sock drawer or alphabetize your bookshelves or DVD collection, doesn't mean you fit the clinical definition, nor does it make you an inherently damaged person either.

I've had a smartphone for the majority of this decade and one of the first things I did when I took my trusty iPhone out of the box was implement a No Selfie Rule, not because I think I'm somehow 'too good' for them or anything, but why in the name of common sense would anyone want to see an overweight, middle-aged white guy taking pictures of himself everywhere he goes?

Besides, I've been a photographer for more than 30 years. It's one of the few creative endeavors I can still feel passionate about because no one's come along and destroyed it yet like they did my passions for writing, drawing, music, filmmaking and acting. The thing about photography is the camera works better when you're the one looking through it at whatever it is you want to take a picture of, not when you're standing in the shot with one hand holding the camera in the hopes it captures you at most flattering angle possible.

To me, an obsession with your own physicality and attractiveness was always the primary red flag in spotting a narcissist, and nowadays, you don't have to go far to find those people. That's what Instagram is for.

Editorial Note: For the record, I too have an Instagram account, but in the 351 pictures I've posted to date, only three have my face in them. The rest are of far more interesting subjects, I promise you.

And yet, the possibility that my behavior has shifted in the direction of incorporating narcissism over the last however-many years, either consciously or subconsciously, is something that worries me.

A lot.

According to the Mayo Clinic: A person has to be consistently showing at least five of the following thirteen behavioral traits to be considered a textbook case for narcissism:

• Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
• Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
• Exaggerate achievements and talents
• Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
• Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
• Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
• Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
• Take advantage of others to get what they want
• Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
• Be envious of others and believe others envy them
• Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
• Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

It's a long list, to be sure, and here's what's alarming me about it.

At face value, I know I am guilty of exhibiting seven of them - Nos. 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11.

Now, the Mayo Clinic says that said behaviors must be consistent to fit the criteria, and I can't say with any certainty how often those things manifest in me. What I do know, though, is seven out of thirteen is more than 50 percent of the list...

...and that is not acceptable, I don't care how infrequently I do them.

In my defense, I've had times where I caught myself doing any number of those seven behaviors in the moment. At which point, the non-narcissist parts of my brain step in, give me an emotional kick in the ass and remind me to knock it the hell off. Does that make those moments any less toxic because that mental check occasionally kicks in? Not necessarily.

To me, it should be a case where I shouldn't need that check because I shouldn't allow myself to behave that way in the first place. The very real problem, though, is what fuels narcissism isn't always logic, but emotion and those two things seldom, if ever, are capable of cohabitating peacefully in your head.

I freely admit that the source of the behaviors that could get me labelled as a narcissist are extremely negative emotions like anger, pride and ambition, but also the desire for love and acceptance. Those things, when intertwined can become a dangerous cocktail, especially when they're wrapped around a brittle core of poor self-esteem and self-worth.

More than once this week, I've found myself asking the question, "Am I a narcissist?" 

Having been independently tested twice for my diagnoses of Clinical Depression and PTSD, the doctors who performed them, and those I worked with afterwards, never brought up narcissism as one of my more pressing problems. But to be honest, I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 with the answer.

On the one hand, if I say I feel like I am, then I could be admitting only out of my afore-mentioned lack of self esteem and worth, which would naturally lean that way because, "Hell, I'm messed up eight ways to Sunday anyway, so let's just add the 'Big N' into the mix as a big cherry on top of the utterly hopeless loser that is you, Dev!"

So I can't necessarily concede that way, because I'm going entirely by my own biases that often act contrary to the actual evidence.

On the other, though, if I say I'm not and provide justification after justification for why I fell into those patterns of behavior, I can't help but conclude that's the exact sort of defense a narcissist in denial would make, because again...no one wants to be saddled with that term over their head.

I guess my takeaway from this is similar to when I came to realize how much of a role passive-aggressive behavior has played in my life, specifically in terms of how I built and tried to maintain key relationships that mattered to me. It took almost thirty years for me to finally understand how much it had worked its way into both my conscious and subconscious mind, and now that I do know, it makes me more self-aware of what to look for going forward.

Recognizing I am capable of displaying narcissistic behavior from time to time might not automatically mean I am a chronic narcissist. If anything...it means I just need to be better at checking it and not letting it come to either define or drive me as a person.

Love Loss

It's amazing how easy it can be to find yourself completely unaware that Valentine's Day has already arrived on the calendar.

In all fairness, I've long past the point in my life where it feels like celebrating romance, love and relationships is of any real relevance anymore anyway. That's a rather nihilistic observation, I know, but it's been close to a decade since I had any reason to even consider them as part of my existence going forward.

When I got divorced in 2011, my sister offered a piece of advice to me that in retrospect, I should've taken more seriously.

"That relationship lasted 16 years," she said. "You should take a month for every one of those years and let yourself heal before looking for another relationship."

It made sense then and it makes even more sense now. Unfortunately, though, I didn't follow through with it. Instead, like the stubborn, obstinate stick-in-the-mud that I am, I charged headlong into completely obliterating what I saw as probably my last chance for a new and potentially better relationship with someone else.

And why...?

Because I was so sure that what I felt at the time, all these wild, intense, confusing, amazing, horrifying emotions that erupted like cluster bombs in my head whenever I found myself around, away from, or even thinking about someone I'd grown to care very much about...was love.

In the eight years since, though, I've grown a lot more uncertain of that conclusion than I used to.

Having been this far removed from the people and events that put me into my retirement from relationships, I'd like to believe that I have as solid an understanding of those people and events and why they brought me to that decision as I ever had.

At that time in 2011, I was severely impaired both mentally and emotionally, by the massive escalation of both my Clinical Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Add onto that the divorce, the loss of connection with my then-infant son, the domino effect of longstanding friendships and other platonic relationships imploding one after the other, and it stands to reason that not only me but anyone in that situation would be clutching at anything that gave even a perceived sense of stability, emotional connection or just flat out hope that things weren't going to get any worse.

For a long time, I was so sure in both my heart and mind that what I felt back then, the emotions I carried and the reason why they manifested was because I'd found someone who gave me honest, valid and good reasons to feel them.

Now...that assuredness isn't nearly as solid anymore.

Part of that is my own uncertainty about what I remember and how accurate it is. From a psychological perspective, it's a concept called Memory Error, where your mind constructs what you perceive to be happening in a different way than what's actually happening in real-time.

The other side of that, sadly, comes from a hefty dose of gaslighting over the last few years by people who cannot and will not see me as anything other than the villain in that particular series of events.

Considering how many times I've broken them down, sifted through the minutiae and tried to come to a balanced conclusion about what was my fault, what wasn't and why...going through it again won't mean a damn thing, I know.

If anything, the question is what am I supposed to do now?

The honest answer, which I know not a lot of people will want to hear...is nothing.

Having been single for this long now, I've had my share of days where the loneliness has been nothing short of brutal. Where I either wake up or go to sleep in an otherwise empty bed, had a home for just myself and possibly worst of all, absolutely no interest whatsoever in meeting, dating, or having any form of relationship with another woman again.

In boxing, there's an unspoken understanding that once the ability to fight has been literally beaten out of you, it's gone forever.

The older I get and the longer I spend alone, the more I'm coming around to the possibility that that applies to love as well, because I honestly haven't felt anything even close to it for almost a decade now.

And maybe that's a good thing? Maybe it's better for all parties involved if that part of me remains shut down going forward...? I don't know.

What I do know is that as it stands right now, I have too many other things to devote my time and energy to, like finding steady work and getting myself put back as right as I'm ever going to be.

In that respect, I don't have time for something like love anymore, which means it's going to be a very long time before I have any reason to worry about celebrating Valentine's Day again.

Permission to Speak Freely

I was at the gym this afternoon, draining myself dry of all the things I've been feeling over the last few days with the help of my gloves and a 120 lb. heavy bag, when a thought popped into my head that I haven't been able to shake for the rest of the night...

What if I was actually allowed to feel and express everything that I've spent all these years trying not to project, because I've been convinced by the people in my life that doing so is a far greater inconvenience?

What is truly the worst thing that could happen?

Is it that I might be too honest about things I'm supposed to keep lying about?
Is it because the idea of my finally taking the lid off and letting it all out is too uncomfortable a prospect?

Why does the concept of me finally getting this out of my system and able to feel anything else seem so terrible?

Far too many times, I've found myself apologizing to someone for letting even the slightest bit of what I spend all day, every day trying to keep confined to the most remote parts of my mind. I did it just yesterday, in fact, even though I'm not entirely sure why I feel like that's a requirement.

The same patronizing, sanctimonious question I seem to get asked over, and over, AND OVER again by people who never gave a damn about me and all I've been through just to still be alive at this point is...

"Don't you want to feel better...?"

The more pressing question I would posit is this...

Do YOU want me to feel better and if not, what is it about that possibility that scares you so much?!

I fully recognize that everything I'm feeling is coming from a well of pure anger and pain so deep that I genuinely don't know how far it goes now or if there's even a bottom to it.

When I was a kid, I learned how to tap into it as both a coping mechanism and a shield from every potential chance to feel anything else, because what came with it was the inability to trust anyone, regardless of how much I'd come to care about them.

The whole long, insane saga with Ghost hasn't helped me at all either, I know, nor does it make much logical sense from the outside, I'm sure.

If you're looking for me to offer an excuse, I don't have one. I did what I thought was right because she mattered to me and I had to try. Yes, I probably tried far more than she deserved or I had any right to, but luckily, you don't have to live with the failure of that.

I do, and considering I was up this late last night crying for the first time in I don't know how long, that process has already started whether I want it to or not.

But if there's one other thing I know, it's that I can't continue to exist this way. In younger days, the contents of that well weren't as toxic as they are now. Unfortunately, the only way I'm going to get rid of it all is to open the taps and actually let myself start feeling it.

And as unpleasant as that prospect might seem for you, I can unequivocally promise you this...

...It scares the absolute hell out of me, because I know it's going to hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.

With all I've been through...that's saying something.

Game Over

Well...that's it.

Almost ten years after meeting Ghost, becoming friends, then almost best friends, then I'm not entirely sure what, then watching the bridge between us burn down and then trying with everything I could to rebuild it, it's undeniably and indecisively over.

The end came as it always had before. Through cold silence and the slamming of yet another door of possible communication.

I've spent the last few hours trying to lock in on how I feel about it and I honestly can't decide.

Part of me wants to curl up in the bed I'm sitting on right now and finally just let myself bawl my eyes out. The other part wishes it were earlier in the day, because then I could get out of here for a while, go some place quiet and remote and let out all the rage and pain I haven't allowed myself to feel since this all started in 2011.

Like I told my baby sister a little while ago, I could punch a hole through a mountain right about now.

I know there are reasons why this is happening. I may be crazy, but I was never an idiot.

When you meet someone and find yourself developing feelings for them, it's scary even under normal circumstances. In this case, it was terrifying, because here was an opportunity after all the years I spent in a toxic relationship with someone who considered me more property than a person, that maybe...just maybe...this time it could be different.

But then, I was reminded of the most obvious and unavoidable reason why it wasn't then and was never going to happen.

Because I'm me.

You see, I'm the one that always gets told that for all my supposedly good qualities (whatever the fuck those are...) they don't really mean anything and more importantly, they're outweighed by all the things that make me both terrible and not even worth consideration of being called a human being.

There all the things that remind me all day, every day, that love and acceptance and trust are not now and never were an option with anyone. That was the worst mistake of many I made in this whole chaotic mess, which is saying something, I promise you...

I broke my own Cardinal rule: Protect yourself at all times, and I paid for it with getting my heart totally and ruthlessly destroyed by the last person I will ever give that sort of chance to again.

And lest you think I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself or somehow trying to convince you I'm the victim in all this, let me kibosh that here and now.

I am not the victim. I'm the reason.

If there is a singular, unavoidable truth I've had to accept in the course of my life, it's this:

It does not matter what I do, how hard I try or how much I or anyone else may want it for me...No one is ever going to love me.

I will always be that 'disposable friend' someone knows for a few years, then moves on from without a second thought. My heart, my feelings, my capability to be something greater...? That doesn't matter.

They never mattered. Not to Ghost and not to anyone else I ever cared about.

After all the time and energy I spent trying to keep first a friendship and then a potential relationship I wanted so badly from totally disintegrating into one side hating the other, I'm once again reminded why I got out of the game in the first place eight years ago.

I get to spend the rest of my life trying to forget someone who I can't forget, because her existence is inexorably welded into my brain, whether I want it there or not.

And I get to live with the fact that a long time ago, for about a millisecond, I got to feel genuine happiness, hope and love again before I fucked it all up and caused the last woman I will ever care about to hate me so much that she's happier being a Ghost.

To quote the philosopher Hudson, "That's it, man. Game over, man! GAME OVER!"