What if I was actually allowed to feel and express everything that I've spent all these years trying not to project, because I've been convinced by the people in my life that doing so is a far greater inconvenience?
What is truly the worst thing that could happen?
Is it that I might be too honest about things I'm supposed to keep lying about?
Is it because the idea of my finally taking the lid off and letting it all out is too uncomfortable a prospect?
Why does the concept of me finally getting this out of my system and able to feel anything else seem so terrible?
Far too many times, I've found myself apologizing to someone for letting even the slightest bit of what I spend all day, every day trying to keep confined to the most remote parts of my mind. I did it just yesterday, in fact, even though I'm not entirely sure why I feel like that's a requirement.
The same patronizing, sanctimonious question I seem to get asked over, and over, AND OVER again by people who never gave a damn about me and all I've been through just to still be alive at this point is...
"Don't you want to feel better...?"
The more pressing question I would posit is this...
Do YOU want me to feel better and if not, what is it about that possibility that scares you so much?!
I fully recognize that everything I'm feeling is coming from a well of pure anger and pain so deep that I genuinely don't know how far it goes now or if there's even a bottom to it.
When I was a kid, I learned how to tap into it as both a coping mechanism and a shield from every potential chance to feel anything else, because what came with it was the inability to trust anyone, regardless of how much I'd come to care about them.
The whole long, insane saga with Ghost hasn't helped me at all either, I know, nor does it make much logical sense from the outside, I'm sure.
If you're looking for me to offer an excuse, I don't have one. I did what I thought was right because she mattered to me and I had to try. Yes, I probably tried far more than she deserved or I had any right to, but luckily, you don't have to live with the failure of that.
I do, and considering I was up this late last night crying for the first time in I don't know how long, that process has already started whether I want it to or not.
But if there's one other thing I know, it's that I can't continue to exist this way. In younger days, the contents of that well weren't as toxic as they are now. Unfortunately, the only way I'm going to get rid of it all is to open the taps and actually let myself start feeling it.
And as unpleasant as that prospect might seem for you, I can unequivocally promise you this...
...It scares the absolute hell out of me, because I know it's going to hurt like nothing I've ever felt before.
With all I've been through...that's saying something.
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