Almost ten years after meeting Ghost, becoming friends, then almost best friends, then I'm not entirely sure what, then watching the bridge between us burn down and then trying with everything I could to rebuild it, it's undeniably and indecisively over.
The end came as it always had before. Through cold silence and the slamming of yet another door of possible communication.
I've spent the last few hours trying to lock in on how I feel about it and I honestly can't decide.
Part of me wants to curl up in the bed I'm sitting on right now and finally just let myself bawl my eyes out. The other part wishes it were earlier in the day, because then I could get out of here for a while, go some place quiet and remote and let out all the rage and pain I haven't allowed myself to feel since this all started in 2011.
Like I told my baby sister a little while ago, I could punch a hole through a mountain right about now.
I know there are reasons why this is happening. I may be crazy, but I was never an idiot.
When you meet someone and find yourself developing feelings for them, it's scary even under normal circumstances. In this case, it was terrifying, because here was an opportunity after all the years I spent in a toxic relationship with someone who considered me more property than a person, that maybe...just maybe...this time it could be different.
But then, I was reminded of the most obvious and unavoidable reason why it wasn't then and was never going to happen.
Because I'm me.
You see, I'm the one that always gets told that for all my supposedly good qualities (whatever the fuck those are...) they don't really mean anything and more importantly, they're outweighed by all the things that make me both terrible and not even worth consideration of being called a human being.
There all the things that remind me all day, every day, that love and acceptance and trust are not now and never were an option with anyone. That was the worst mistake of many I made in this whole chaotic mess, which is saying something, I promise you...
I broke my own Cardinal rule: Protect yourself at all times, and I paid for it with getting my heart totally and ruthlessly destroyed by the last person I will ever give that sort of chance to again.
And lest you think I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself or somehow trying to convince you I'm the victim in all this, let me kibosh that here and now.
I am not the victim. I'm the reason.
If there is a singular, unavoidable truth I've had to accept in the course of my life, it's this:
It does not matter what I do, how hard I try or how much I or anyone else may want it for me...No one is ever going to love me.
I will always be that 'disposable friend' someone knows for a few years, then moves on from without a second thought. My heart, my feelings, my capability to be something greater...? That doesn't matter.
They never mattered. Not to Ghost and not to anyone else I ever cared about.
After all the time and energy I spent trying to keep first a friendship and then a potential relationship I wanted so badly from totally disintegrating into one side hating the other, I'm once again reminded why I got out of the game in the first place eight years ago.
I get to spend the rest of my life trying to forget someone who I can't forget, because her existence is inexorably welded into my brain, whether I want it there or not.
And I get to live with the fact that a long time ago, for about a millisecond, I got to feel genuine happiness, hope and love again before I fucked it all up and caused the last woman I will ever care about to hate me so much that she's happier being a Ghost.
To quote the philosopher Hudson, "That's it, man. Game over, man! GAME OVER!"
I don't know that it's fair to say that because you are not loved in the way you want, that means you are unloved. I know at least three people who love you very deeply. But I also understand that in the deepest, darkest pits of our depression, not having the love we want can often become exactly the same thing as not having any love at all.
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