At a time where both the concept and practice of narcissism has become so prevalent in our daily existence, thanks in no small part to the advent of social media, I feel like we've reached the point as a culture where he have to be honest with ourselves about something.
To some degree, we've ALL become narcissists.
Now, before you load your volleys of outrage for return fire over that observation, I freely concede that there are several different metrics at play here for determining a toxic narcissist from someone who dabbles with it from time to time, while still retaining the qualities which make them more socially acceptable.
That said, don't kid yourself into thinking that there's a way to inoculate or immunize yourself from it, either.
For the better part of the last week, I've been going through the not-so-pleasant process of trying to figure out how close to the mark I could find myself at this point in time and being honest about it, the self-evaluation's been more than a little disconcerting.
Look, no one ever likes to think that they've turned into a narcissist. I certainly don't. Having dealt with my fair share of them over the years, as I'm sure you have as well, the last thing any of us want is to wake up one day and realize we've become the very thing we despise.
But in some ways, it's hard for me to look at narcissism in the same way I do obsessive-compulsive disorder. I believe that we all have certain things in our particular existences that we could be considered OCD about and that's not an entirely bad thing or glaring character flaw. Just because you have a compulsion to organize your sock drawer or alphabetize your bookshelves or DVD collection, doesn't mean you fit the clinical definition, nor does it make you an inherently damaged person either.
I've had a smartphone for the majority of this decade and one of the first things I did when I took my trusty iPhone out of the box was implement a No Selfie Rule, not because I think I'm somehow 'too good' for them or anything, but why in the name of common sense would anyone want to see an overweight, middle-aged white guy taking pictures of himself everywhere he goes?
Besides, I've been a photographer for more than 30 years. It's one of the few creative endeavors I can still feel passionate about because no one's come along and destroyed it yet like they did my passions for writing, drawing, music, filmmaking and acting. The thing about photography is the camera works better when you're the one looking through it at whatever it is you want to take a picture of, not when you're standing in the shot with one hand holding the camera in the hopes it captures you at most flattering angle possible.
To me, an obsession with your own physicality and attractiveness was always the primary red flag in spotting a narcissist, and nowadays, you don't have to go far to find those people. That's what Instagram is for.
Editorial Note: For the record, I too have an Instagram account, but in the 351 pictures I've posted to date, only three have my face in them. The rest are of far more interesting subjects, I promise you.
And yet, the possibility that my behavior has shifted in the direction of incorporating narcissism over the last however-many years, either consciously or subconsciously, is something that worries me.
A lot.
According to the Mayo Clinic: A person has to be consistently showing at least five of the following thirteen behavioral traits to be considered a textbook case for narcissism:
- Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
- Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerate achievements and talents
- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
- Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
- Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
- Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
- Take advantage of others to get what they want
- Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
- Be envious of others and believe others envy them
- Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
- Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
It's a long list, to be sure, and here's what's alarming me about it.
At face value, I know I am guilty of exhibiting seven of them - Nos. 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11.
Now, the Mayo Clinic says that said behaviors must be consistent to fit the criteria, and I can't say with any certainty how often those things manifest in me. What I do know, though, is seven out of thirteen is more than 50 percent of the list...
...and that is not acceptable, I don't care how infrequently I do them.
In my defense, I've had times where I caught myself doing any number of those seven behaviors in the moment. At which point, the non-narcissist parts of my brain step in, give me an emotional kick in the ass and remind me to knock it the hell off. Does that make those moments any less toxic because that mental check occasionally kicks in? Not necessarily.
To me, it should be a case where I shouldn't need that check because I shouldn't allow myself to behave that way in the first place. The very real problem, though, is what fuels narcissism isn't always logic, but emotion and those two things seldom, if ever, are capable of cohabitating peacefully in your head.
I freely admit that the source of the behaviors that could get me labelled as a narcissist are extremely negative emotions like anger, pride and ambition, but also the desire for love and acceptance. Those things, when intertwined can become a dangerous cocktail, especially when they're wrapped around a brittle core of poor self-esteem and self-worth.
More than once this week, I've found myself asking the question, "Am I a narcissist?"
Having been independently tested twice for my diagnoses of Clinical Depression and PTSD, the doctors who performed them, and those I worked with afterwards, never brought up narcissism as one of my more pressing problems. But to be honest, I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 with the answer.
On the one hand, if I say I feel like I am, then I could be admitting only out of my afore-mentioned lack of self esteem and worth, which would naturally lean that way because, "Hell, I'm messed up eight ways to Sunday anyway, so let's just add the 'Big N' into the mix as a big cherry on top of the utterly hopeless loser that is you, Dev!"
So I can't necessarily concede that way, because I'm going entirely by my own biases that often act contrary to the actual evidence.
On the other, though, if I say I'm not and provide justification after justification for why I fell into those patterns of behavior, I can't help but conclude that's the exact sort of defense a narcissist in denial would make, because again...no one wants to be saddled with that term over their head.
I guess my takeaway from this is similar to when I came to realize how much of a role passive-aggressive behavior has played in my life, specifically in terms of how I built and tried to maintain key relationships that mattered to me. It took almost thirty years for me to finally understand how much it had worked its way into both my conscious and subconscious mind, and now that I do know, it makes me more self-aware of what to look for going forward.
Recognizing I am capable of displaying narcissistic behavior from time to time might not automatically mean I am a chronic narcissist. If anything...it means I just need to be better at checking it and not letting it come to either define or drive me as a person.
No comments:
Post a Comment