In all fairness, I've long past the point in my life where it feels like celebrating romance, love and relationships is of any real relevance anymore anyway. That's a rather nihilistic observation, I know, but it's been close to a decade since I had any reason to even consider them as part of my existence going forward.
When I got divorced in 2011, my sister offered a piece of advice to me that in retrospect, I should've taken more seriously.
"That relationship lasted 16 years," she said. "You should take a month for every one of those years and let yourself heal before looking for another relationship."
It made sense then and it makes even more sense now. Unfortunately, though, I didn't follow through with it. Instead, like the stubborn, obstinate stick-in-the-mud that I am, I charged headlong into completely obliterating what I saw as probably my last chance for a new and potentially better relationship with someone else.
And why...?
Because I was so sure that what I felt at the time, all these wild, intense, confusing, amazing, horrifying emotions that erupted like cluster bombs in my head whenever I found myself around, away from, or even thinking about someone I'd grown to care very much about...was love.
In the eight years since, though, I've grown a lot more uncertain of that conclusion than I used to.
Having been this far removed from the people and events that put me into my retirement from relationships, I'd like to believe that I have as solid an understanding of those people and events and why they brought me to that decision as I ever had.
At that time in 2011, I was severely impaired both mentally and emotionally, by the massive escalation of both my Clinical Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Add onto that the divorce, the loss of connection with my then-infant son, the domino effect of longstanding friendships and other platonic relationships imploding one after the other, and it stands to reason that not only me but anyone in that situation would be clutching at anything that gave even a perceived sense of stability, emotional connection or just flat out hope that things weren't going to get any worse.
For a long time, I was so sure in both my heart and mind that what I felt back then, the emotions I carried and the reason why they manifested was because I'd found someone who gave me honest, valid and good reasons to feel them.
Now...that assuredness isn't nearly as solid anymore.
Part of that is my own uncertainty about what I remember and how accurate it is. From a psychological perspective, it's a concept called Memory Error, where your mind constructs what you perceive to be happening in a different way than what's actually happening in real-time.
The other side of that, sadly, comes from a hefty dose of gaslighting over the last few years by people who cannot and will not see me as anything other than the villain in that particular series of events.
Considering how many times I've broken them down, sifted through the minutiae and tried to come to a balanced conclusion about what was my fault, what wasn't and why...going through it again won't mean a damn thing, I know.
If anything, the question is what am I supposed to do now?
The honest answer, which I know not a lot of people will want to hear...is nothing.
Having been single for this long now, I've had my share of days where the loneliness has been nothing short of brutal. Where I either wake up or go to sleep in an otherwise empty bed, had a home for just myself and possibly worst of all, absolutely no interest whatsoever in meeting, dating, or having any form of relationship with another woman again.
In boxing, there's an unspoken understanding that once the ability to fight has been literally beaten out of you, it's gone forever.
The older I get and the longer I spend alone, the more I'm coming around to the possibility that that applies to love as well, because I honestly haven't felt anything even close to it for almost a decade now.
And maybe that's a good thing? Maybe it's better for all parties involved if that part of me remains shut down going forward...? I don't know.
What I do know is that as it stands right now, I have too many other things to devote my time and energy to, like finding steady work and getting myself put back as right as I'm ever going to be.
In that respect, I don't have time for something like love anymore, which means it's going to be a very long time before I have any reason to worry about celebrating Valentine's Day again.
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