Given the inherent volatility that all destructive and negative emotions can carry in the moments we find ourselves tapping into them, it's one thing to say you're angry enough with someone to quantify it with the word hate...
It's an entirely different level altogether to find yourself feeling that hate in its sweet, comforting, rage-filling forms even at the mere acknowledgment of a certain person's existence.
How do I know? Because for a large portion of my life, that is how I felt about both a person, my first stepfather...and also myself.
That might not make much sense, but if you'll indulge me for a moment, I'll explain.
My first stepfather (a distinction I have to make on account of I've had two stepfathers, to date) was a truly despicable man. He was both physically and emotionally abusive, incredibly misogynistic and seemed to revel in being the sort of toxic, power-tripping patriarch that was consistent with growing up in the early-mid 80's.
By the time my mother finally got the hint that being married to him was never going to lead to anything close to a happy ending, the damage was already done when it came to me. In the five years I had to live with him, the experience transformed me from a happy, pugnacious, outgoing five-year-old, to a combative, rebellious, depressed and extremely angry ten-year-old.
And I would spend the next quarter-century hating him with every fiber of my being.
At its worst, anytime he was brought up in the conversations I had with my mother, my entire demeanor shifted on a dime and all that hate shot straight to the surface of my being. She never understood why that happened, in no small part because she's both incapable of empathy and could not grasp what living in that environment could do to a hyper-emotionally sensitive kid like I was.
The fuel for that hatred wasn't just what he did and what he put my family through, however. It was also because I underwent that transformation because of the time he spent in my life...and the natural byproduct of that is said hatred bled into how I view myself too.
Now, to be fair, there is no way of creating metrics that can determine a person's ultimate impact on your life. If you'd told me when I was younger that that period would be so pivotal in my becoming who I am now, I'd like to think I'd know what my response would be:
God, I hope not!
But here I am, a long way from back then, and even though I managed to finally let go of that hatred I felt for him a few years ago, it's not lost on me just how much energy I devoted to keeping that feeling going for that long. The big lesson I took away from it is that it was too much energy that I could've used for other things, better things.
What I took away from all that was I couldn't and shouldn't let myself fall victim to that level of hatred again, no matter who it is that hurts me. It's just not worth it, and while it bothers me that it took me so long to figure that out, I also realize that the only reason I did was because I went through it in the first place.
Which brings me to this.
I don't remember the last time someone hated me as much as Ghost appears to now.
The last person who could make that claim is likely my ex-wife, who told me as much in the last days of our marriage, when I was trying everything I could to keep it from completely disintegrating. When you're going through a divorce, it's easy to be angry enough with the other person to feel like you hate them.
Having been through three of them, two of my mother's and one of my own, I think I'm as qualified as anyone to make that observation.
But once the paperwork was all signed, we went our separate ways and our son continued to grow up, it feels like both of us realized that we had to find some way to co-exist for his benefit. It wouldn't be fair to him to have two parents continuing to war over things that really don't matter anymore.
Do we still have our disagreements on things? Sure, but the way we deal with them could be much more toxic than what we've managed to do so far. I'd like to think if you asked her, she'd tell you that while she doesn't love me anymore and is happy with her new husband, she's not angry enough to say she truly hates me, either.
Ghost is another story entirely.
When we last saw each other two years ago, I had reason to believe that we'd be able to salvage the uneasy friendship we'd rebuilt over the preceding three years. During that discussion we'd had, I made my position in the clearest and simplest terms I could.
I wasn't interested in trying to establish a romantic relationship anymore, despite the lingering feelings I still held at the time. That was not even part of the equation.
What I wanted was simply a dialogue, starting with that first conversation. At some point, we'd meet again and have a second conversation. If that went all right, maybe we'd have another after that...and another...and another...until hopefully we'd finally worked through all the crap separating us from that possibility.
Well...so much for that.
I was talking with my female housemate about it the other day and she brought up two key points that apply to every relationship we ever have with anyone, platonic or otherwise.
1.) The point where a relationship becomes truly irreconcilable is when one side develops any degree of resentment for the other.
and 2.) As much as we like to think otherwise, there really is nothing we can do to control how someone feels about us, whether it be love or hate. All we can do is evaluate ourselves, learn from it and still try to be the best version of ourselves we can be.
Look, here's the thing.
I fully admit and accept that in the course of my relationship with Ghost, I both did and said some incredibly stupid things.
If I hadn't put myself in the position of allowing her to manipulate and use me like she did, had I not been honest about my feelings and how'd they'd evolved and if I wasn't so emotionally unstable at crucial times, thanks to my highly elevated Depression and anxiety...odds are I wouldn't be writing this now.
I've never shied away from that and if anything, I've done everything I can think of to make amends for them. And if you were to ask her, my suspicion is that's what she'd say is the problem.
I already know her favorite adjective to describe me is obsessive, and I can't objectively says she's wrong either. As I've discovered in the last few years, what drives that obsessive nature is the frequency of intrusive thoughts that I deal with every day, whether I want to listen to them or not.
Contrary to popular belief, my motives have never been to make an already bad situation worse. Be that as it may, however, that's exactly what happened and now there is a version of me that exists in her mind that can only represent every negative thing she believes I'm potentially capable of, regardless of how insane they might be.
But that's what happens when you find yourself hating someone. You either forget or flat-out ignore that that someone has any degree of humanity left, because to do so could mean that your hatred is either misplaced or ill-conceived.
Unfortunately, the only way to truly find out is to do what people who are on opposing ends of the hate equation are unable to do. Talk.
At this point, I don't think I'd be out of place if I was to just do the same thing and start hating Ghost back. After all, as much as I hurt her, she hurt me just as badly in return. There's plenty of reasons I could use to justify giving into my baser feelings and let myself just spend the rest of my life returning the favor.
The difference between us though is that I've already been there once. As much as this situation continues to pain me, I have no interest in dropping back into that emotional strata again.
As it is, all possible avenues that once connected us are closed. Going on LinkedIn, of all places, to do some job networking and applying on Friday, even there all traces have been scrubbed. Having already been scrubbed from the rest of social media, even though I'm using it less and less and am seriously considering getting out of it altogether, I can't help but look at that and think the whole situation has gone to a completely different level.
You don't get to that point unless you feel nothing but absolute hatred for another human being and that reality makes me even sadder about how this has all gone.
Six years ago, Ghost wrote the following at a point of self-evaluation, where she was telling herself she was "emotionally detoxing, overhauling and trying to become a better person."
"I've driven one of my best friends away. I've broken four hearts, three to the point I also destroyed the friendship that went with them. I've drifted away from the groups I'd supported and contributed to. I've given up asking permission in favor of asking forgiveness. I've adopted a habit of bending the truth and lying to get out of or lessen punishment and damages when I'm caught doing something wrong or that will be interpreted as bad. I've stopped thinking about the things I do and their consequences."
From where I sit, that evolution never happened. Instead, she did what a lot of us do. What I did for more than half my life.
She chose to hate someone and no matter how much I hate the fact that I put her in that position, there's nothing I can do about it any more.
The way is shut.
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