The Value of Feelings

Since getting back from my vacation a few days ago, I've had this nagging question pinballing around my head, in no small part because of my Depression's tendency to lock onto something and obsess about it to no end.

How much are emotions and all the corresponding feelings connected to them actually worth?

I suppose that because I live in America, a country utterly controlled by what's become a highly distorted form of Capitalism, I guess they fall under the purview of yet another commodity who's worth is dictated by the almighty and unimpeachable market. Which means, by that economic pretzel logic, there's no real flat rate, no equilibrium between where one person's feelings rank in value by comparison to another.

As in all things we like to slap a price tag on, which is just about everything, it all depends on relative and sometimes arbitrary factors like who's feelings we're talking about, that person's status, reputation, position, presentation, etc.,

For example: We tend to be more interested in the feelings and emotions of those in position of celebrity, financial or social superiority, potential physical attractiveness and perceived potential compatibility more than we do pretty much anyone else. If a person ticks one of those specialized boxes, then it's almost an immediate response to shift our attitudes and behaviors towards the value we see in how they feel about us.

What that means for the rest, I guess, is that no matter how strong their feelings or the motivations driving them are, the unpleasant reality is that they're not worth much more than the proverbial plugged nickel.

When I first sat down with my current therapist a few weeks ago, she asked me to put down a list of everything I was hoping to get out of the work we're hopefully going to be doing over the foreseeable I-don't-know-how-long. My response was to divide my list into pros and cons, based on what I felt like I need to change most about myself.

While a pro might have been something like Find motivation to be creative again, a con was more along the lines of Learn to stop caring about or getting emotionally attached to people.

Now the obvious critique of the latter, and my therapist called me out on it too, is 1.) human beings aren't programmed to not care about one another, as that's why emotions exist in the first place, and 2.) there's nothing productive or positive about not letting ourselves care about those around us.

Maybe so, but good luck convincing my mind of that because for most of my life and especially for the better part of the last ten years, it's been nigh-on-impossible not to feel like pretty much everything I feel has no value whatsoever.

I wish I could say that's solely the byproduct of my Depression both before and after the Breakdown, but that would totally ignore the unshakable perception that everything I feel, with the sole exceptions of my anger and my guilt/regret/shame, don't seem to be worth anything to the people I've let myself stay attached to in one degree or another.

After one episode of having those feelings go unrequited after another, going all the way back from my early childhood and on through to all the pain and anguish I had to endure with Ghost, I honestly can't think of a more rational realization to come to than what I feel and how I express those emotions isn't worth anything to whomever I direct them at either.

If that seems a little harsh, try having to live with the idea that no matter how much you grow to care about someone, it's likely never going to be seen as valuable as someone else who may end up very well making them feel worthless down the line too.

God knows I've seen it almost as many times as I've been told that my feelings aren't wanted or worth enough to be considered of value. Which leads me to ultimately wonder why I'm bothering to still hold on to them?

I mean, I can try proving to you that I'm worth your investment of affection or love or that my feelings are valid and have a higher measure of value than you may think until I'm blue in the damn face, but if you either can't or won't recognize that...then I can only conclude they really aren't worth much of anything, are they?

And that makes it all the harder to find any sense of self-worth if the people you care the most about in the world can't seem to value how you feel as anything more than what you'd find on a local dollar store shelf.