Of course, it also works the other way, so in that aspect, I suppose it falls into the category of being one or the other, or among the rare few who can land astride the line.
I will concede that it is hard to find solid answers when viewing things through an emotional prism. They are, after all, tumultuous and unpredictable things, whereas logic is considered cold and analytical. It's why, as a culture, we're so fascinated by a fictional character like Mr. Spock or Sherlock Holmes, who can manage to take emotions out of the equation and just see things without that bias which can cloud judgment and alter decisions.
Myself, I've never been much of a Trekkie. Not to say I think Star Trek sucks, but I just never embraced it as my particular show of choice to geek out about.
*Editorial Note - Doctor Who and Farscape, however...now we're talking serious geek-fu fanboy.
My first foray into Trek wasn't actually even the show, but the movies which started coming out after I was born. Over the last week, while I was taking a brief sabbatical from writing, I started watching them again just to have some good escapist fare from the hornet's nest I inadvertently kicked open in my head. Most people are fans of the films by comparison to the many series and to each their own. I happen to like most of them.
*Editorial Note II - I suppose I'm among the few who like the first four movies. Most people hate The Motion Picture, but I happen to enjoy it. Final Frontier still sucks ass, though. There's no kind way in the world to put it.
In going back and rewatching them for the umpteenth time, I realized there's a consistent, underlying aspect of each story which Roddenberry and the screenwriters revisited often, but of course is rooted in a logical paradigm.
"One cannot give an answer when one does not understand the question."
Anyone who ever knew me growing up also had to share in my unabashed geekdom for Tom Stoppard's play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, which, of course, takes Shakespeare's legendary Hamlet and completely turns it on its ear. My favorite part is when the two men square off on a tennis court, but rather than trading volleys with a ball, they trade questions.
I've come to understand that one of my biggest impediments to getting any better, and also why I keep seeming to chase my own tail, is because I am trying to get answers out of myself, without stopping to recognize the questions. It's choosing to just go on instinct and emotion, rather than getting to the root of the problem and determining the most simple solution.
So, with that in mind, time to start asking:
1.) Why are you not happy?
At the moment, I'm unemployed and looking for stability in a career I've wanted for most of my life. I have friends and people who care about me, but I feel detached from them for one reason or another, in no small part because of how the last few years have impacted me, my attitude and my perspective. I have ambitions that have not been achieved and I feel I'm at a loss on how I can get to where I know I'm capable of being physically, mentally and emotionally.
2.) Why are you so afraid of change?
It doesn't seem to make much sense, does it? After all, change from where I'm at would hardly be considered a terrible thing. What it comes down to, in a completely non-sexual way, is that the trajectory on which my life's gone has made me into a masochist. I've grown so used to be being down on myself and not branching out into new things that I'm only really content when I'm miserable and self-deprecating.
It's completely counter-intuitive, I know, but it's also the product of about 35 years of observation, interaction, feedback and most of all reinforcement, most of which was rather negative. The psychological myth is that love is something we're born with, whereas hate is an acquired trait. Over the span of my life, my identity is rooted in that acquisition, and to lose it means I lose how I identify myself, which is a very frightening thing to consider.
3.) Why be that way when hating yourself accomplishes nothing?
I get how the idea of self-confidence is an attractive quality to see in other people. What is overlooked is that it's also a finite resource and those who possess deep reservoirs of it are taught as children in how to find, cultivate, preserve and replenish that. I wasn't one of those lucky kids and have always had a deeper reservoir of self-doubt and self-rejection than I ever did the belief that I was someone special or even someone worthy of praise when I did something well.
Does that mean I don't have any faith in myself or what I can do? No, but it's like trying to find water in a desert. It's there, but if you don't know where or how to find it, you'll drive yourself mad in trying, if the heat doesn't kill you first.
4.) What do you want? Seriously, what would make you feel better right now and don't just say "I don't know," because that shit won't fly anymore.
A steady paycheck again wouldn't be a bad start, but there a lot of things I want. Get out of debt, finish my book and have it published, find a new home, have more time with my son, get my friends back in my life, settle the past, travel, explore, learn. I don't think any of those things are unreasonable or selfish and they're all attainable.
5.) You didn't mention anything about a significant other, though. Sooner or later, you need to try again, right?
Maybe, but not right now. First things first. Get my life back on track and get myself into being someone who is wanted, rather than someone who just wants what he can't have. I spent sixteen years in the only relationship I've ever had and while I learned a lot from it, there's a lot I didn't pay attention to as well. If I can get the other things done, I have confidence that this will come along with it as I evolve.
6.) So what's stopping you from falling back into the same old cycle this time? This is stuff we've heard before, and here we are again.
Fair point. The simple answer is I'm sure there will be times when the self-doubt threatens to overload any self-confidence I've accrued. It's part of the deal, unfortunately. You look at an athlete who's recovering from a physical injury and even if they're in great shape, there are times when they can aggravate it. This is no different, except I have to learn how to stop pulling short when that crippling fear and doubt kick in and just fucking jump.
I don't expect that to be easy at all, and no one should think it's a simple thing either because they may see it from a different vantage point. This is my battle, inside my head, and as much as I wish I could trade places when things are at their worst, I can't. So it's on me to figure a way past it, and I'd rather go through the pitfalls of trial and error than just give up.
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