Long time, no see.
To say it's been a while would be both an understatement and profound recognition of the obvious. I'm sorry I've been gone as long as I have, but as we both know, things haven't exactly panned out as we drew it up all those years ago. It's because of that that I figured it was the right time to get back into the fold and also because, despite your continued apprehension to acknowledge it, it's your birthday tomorrow.
Thirty-seven isn't really a landmark occasion, I know, but considering the last five were both figuratively and literally ignored, I think we can and should make an exception for this one. Now I know what you're already thinking, (just a little habit I've picked up along the way, so sue me if you don't like it. Line forms to the right) but just hear me out.
Seriously.
I know it seems like things haven't gotten a whole lot better for you the older you've gotten and the evidence to support the argument is pretty compelling, except for the fact that you're ignoring everything you've managed to do in spite of all the crap you've had to wade through to get there.
I haven't forgotten any of it, either. All the moving around we did as a kid, jumping from one town, to the next, to the next, and so on. Having to make friends and say good-bye in the same year. The endless dysfunctional family routine. The first divorce, the second one, and then your own. Losing Erik. Losing your freedom, your identity and then when you thought you finally had it all put back together, your mind.
Do you remember those months we had to spend bouncing from place to place because we didn't have a home, spending the occasional night in that abandoned Hyundai in the church parking lot, thankful we at least had a coat to keep us warm enough to sleep and not shiver all night? The times we had to steal food or money to eat because no one would give us a job? Or all the days we spent behind those razor-wire fences and in those cells, trying to stay awake because sleep meant being left vulnerable to anyone who wanted to bash your head in or stick a shiv in your neck?
I do. I remember it all along with something you seem to have forgotten.
We got through it. Somehow, some way, we got through it, even when you were so completely certain that we couldn't.
Yes, there was no way either of us could have anticipated the toll it was going to take down the road. I don't think anyone else could've either, so blame yourself if you want to, but it's not entirely your fault, nor does it make you the person you've grown to believe you are. With all that's happened, it makes sense as to why you'd be so confused about that, and I admit, my not being around must not have made it any easier.
But consider this. You've still managed to hang in there, which means you're stronger than you realize. People have doubted and disregarded you and you've still accomplished things you never thought you could do. You went to college, earned degrees, gone to new places, done new things, met some amazing people.
Can you really tell me that was all a fluke? Of course it's not. You busted your hump and worked harder than anyone, including you, has ever really given you credit for. You knew it was never going to be easy, and at times, quitting seemed like the only logical option you had. Except you didn't. Not many people I know could look at things you've had to overcome and found a way to do precisely that. Sure, you didn't always take the best route and yes, you made it a lot harder than it needed to be, but the fact remains you still got to the other side.
To be fair, that's not something to boast or brag about to people to diminish them, but you have the right to own it and be proud of yourself for it. So do it, if for nothing else so you can stop being so afraid of it all coming back to haunt you. The ghosts of the past are just that, Dev. They'll dissipate if you let them.
I know things aren't exactly all sunshine and rainbows right now and that is also a frightening prospect. We've been in tougher scrapes than this though, you and I. This isn't anything really new. It may just seem that way because it feels like you have to get through it on your own. Only you don't. You've got people behind you. Friends. Family. They've been with you this far and a lot of them are still here. Why do you think that is?
Okay, sure, you got your heart handed to you. It happens to everyone at least once, like it or not, and yes, it sucks. It hurts like few things you can imagine. Does that mean you were wrong for caring about those people like you did, or still do? No. You can't make anyone love you if they don't want to, because you can't change them or their minds anymore than you they can change yours. It doesn't mean you have to forget about those feelings or to even stop loving them, but you do need to forgive.
Forgive them. Forgive yourself.
Falling love isn't always a choice and it's only a mistake if it ends up hurting you or someone else, and I know there were times when you said or did something that hurt someone you loved. Does that make you a monster or a "bad guy"? No, because I know you. No matter how angry you get, there is a line you've never crossed. I know why you haven't and I know why you never, ever, will.
You don't want to hurt anyone. You understand and recognize why there's no value in it. If you didn't have that strong of a moral compass, I would be a lot more worried about what you're capable of. The fact that you care so much and how much it bothers you when you even think you may have said or done something wrong confirms how good a soul you have.
Most people don't understand the dangers of their own strength. You do. You've known it since you were 10 years-old, having to stand up for yourself and your family to the man who abused all of you in one way or another. Standing there with a baseball bat in your hand, telling him if you ever saw him again, you'd use it. How you didn't then in that moment, even I don't really know. What matters is that you didn't.
It may not seem like much, but it does matter. It matters a lot.
But you are human, Dev. You're not always going to get it right and more often than not, it's going to go horribly and completely wrong. Welcome to life. It's not designed to be either simple or easy. If it were, you'd take it for granted and the path you've traveled is an object lesson in why you can't do that.
So why don't we start here. At this moment, on this birthday. No, you don't have to do something momentous to mark the occasion, but at least mark it anyway. You've made it to 37, when the over/under was maybe 25 and a whole lot of people were betting the under because it seemed like perhaps the surest thing in the world.
There's always going to be people who doubt you and what you're about. People who don't understand why you are who you are and why you see the world as you do. They come with the territory, but they're not worth stopping to visit. Take the people who care, the ones who love you even with all the mistakes and the awkwardness. The ghosts and the anger and the endless number of regrets, and spend however many days you have left with them. Let them make you laugh, think, wonder, smile, explore and yes, even cry.
They need you and you absolutely need them. Don't shut them out and don't keep telling yourself you don't deserve them, because you're wrong.
Now I've rambled on here long enough and there is a lot of work to be done. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's going to be easy, but if you can get through it, then maybe things will start getting easier from there. But for right now, let's not worry about that.
It's your birthday, after all. Let's make it a happy one, shall we?
You're going to be okay. You're smart enough and you're more than strong enough. I'll help you get through it and I'm not going anywhere. I promise.
Most Sincerely and Respectfully,
-Devin
P.S. - Don't forget to make a wish...and may it be granted.
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