Gunshy

A couple of years ago, my surrogate sister-in-law made an observation of me that I was genuinely surprised about at the time.

"You come off as a pretty shy guy, Dev, at least until you feel you can click with someone and then you open up a lot more easily," she said.

It was surprising because until that moment, I hadn't really thought about how I interact with other people I'm not familiar with. I also never really thought it was a bad approach to just sit back and get a feel for someone before I start interjecting whatever quasi-intellectual gobbeldy-gook comes out of my head.

I didn't mind being shy, but there's a downside to it which must be addressed.

I haven't met anyone new or made any new friends in three years.

Why? Because the thought of going back out into the world and trying again honestly scares the shit out of me.

When I went back to school in 2007, one of the major reasons why I wanted to aside from getting my education finished, was I wanted to meet new people and make new friends. It's not that I didn't appreciate the close friends I had to that point. To the contrary, they're the most important people in my life and they know (hopefully) that I would do anything for them if they asked me to. But life is about having new experiences and meeting new people who can enrich those experiences. There's nothing wrong with forging new friendships.

At least, that's what I told myself at the time.

I graduated in 2010 with some of those new friendships in place. After my divorce the following year, though, virtually all of those people were gone and after going through that demoralizing process, the idea of just going back out there and trying to find replacements for all the really cool people I got to know in those three years and then lost truly seems like a waste of my time.

When I was in high school, my favorite place to be at the few parties I was invited to was in the darkest corner of the room, where I could just sit and be invisible while everyone else enjoyed their collective revelry.

Nowadays, my favorite place to be is not even to be out in public at all unless I can slip quietly in and out of wherever I am. My shyness has become so severe that while I love photography, I don't dare take pictures of myself anymore. I also have retreated from being a part of the online world in many ways with the main exception of this blog, really.

It's devolved from simply being shy and awkward to a feeling of total misanthropy and that's not good.

We are a tribal species and cling to the sense of belonging to a community we can call our own. The truth is I haven't felt like I've belonged anywhere in a long time.

I wan't to. I really do. In my head, though, it feels like I really just don't know how.