Overhaul

So it begins.

Last night, I sat down and cracked open my first book regarding Cognitive Behavioral studies. In the interest of full disclosure, I feel it only right to admit that the book is actually titled, Cognitive Behavior for Dummies.

Don't knock it. We've all got to start somewhere.

I chose this book for two simple reasons. First, I wanted a book which didn't overwhelm me with psychological jargon and theories which I probably wouldn't understand, which would lead to frustration and a likely opportunity of throwing said book out a window or off my porch before I got fifty pages into it.

And second is because I wanted something that didn't feel like I was hitting myself over the head with a cinderblock everyday saying, "Change, dammit!" over and over again.

*Editorial Note: At more than one time in my life, I have actually considered that as a therapeutic alternative, but then backed out when I realized I wasn't in favor of the headaches it would bring.

What I also like about the book is it provides a basic foundation to understanding what it is I am trying to do, which is recognize and change my behavioral patterns without assuming I have to change myself entirely, if that makes any sense.

In my experience, my resistance to change has been as much due to my misunderstanding of my own issues as my presumptions that in order to be a better person, I needed to completely rebuild myself from the ground up. Only I don't need to. Not really.

Despite all my foibles, of which there are many, I do possess some beneficial traits as well. I know they're there because I feel them all the time. Part of this process will inevitably be understanding that my negative aspects don't define me any more than my positive ones do. It's a question of discarding as much of those negatives as possible and coming to terms with what's left, while allowing myself to embrace the positives.

That may sound marginalized in some way, but that is not my intent. I know this is going to involve some substantial work on my part, going into areas of entrenched logic and emotions that I have clung to as parts of my overall definition.

To be honest, I'm more than a little terrified about the prospect because there will inevitably come a time where my mind will actively seek to reject the new programming which I am trying to install and because I don't know if it will bring about the changes that I would like to see happen both in myself and how you all see me.

But I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for me, and while that may seem selfish, taking care of the self can be a selfish act. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and I haven't ever really done that in my whole life.

It's high time I do, because I need quite a bit of work, and the only person who can make those repairs is me. I can do it. I know I can do it. But ask any mechanic or repairman and they'll tell you that it's impossible unless you have both the proper tools and the knowledge to identify, isolate and eliminate the problems.

That's what I'm doing. Tally ho.