Off Day

As Bugs Bunny was fond of saying, "My mudda told me dere'd be days like dis."

I don't really know how to describe what I'm feeling other than...off. And I couldn't tell you why either.

I had a great week last week. One of the better ones I've had in a long time. The sun is still shining here for a few more days and even a little rain yesterday morning wasn't a terrible sign. Work was tough, but I muscled through it and got everything that needed to be done done.

Saturday I got to relax at home, work out, watch some movies and put some work into the book I need to get moving on writing again starting next month, and Sunday was a day spent with friends.

So what the hell do I have this feeling that something is really wrong and I don't know what it is?

It feels like I'm clutching at smoke, trying to understand what is going through my head today, and the main thing behind it is fear.

Seeing where I'm at now, I don't want to backslide to where I started from. I don't want to jeopardize the relationships I've only now started rebuilding or the ones I've had that are set in stone. I'm worried about saying or doing the wrong things when I know instinctively I shouldn't have to and it's better to just be myself, warts and all.

I don't want to write this book, get everything I've had roiling inside my head for years now down on the page, only to be told it's crap not worth publishing.

I feel like I'm standing on a cliff. I can't see the bottom of the abyss below me, and I have a perfectly good set of wings strapped to my back, but I don't trust them enough to know I won't fall.

I hate this feeling because I've felt it too many times in my life, being afraid to just let things go and release the white-knuckled grip on the safety of the ground.

All that is going through my head today is the endless streams of "What If?" scenarios that can lead to a myriad of outcomes and futures for me, and the ones where I get things right, where I get everything I could possibly want at this stage of my life, feel so alien to me that I almost can't bear to think about them. While all the scenarios that end with me having the life I'm used to and in some ways expecting to have, feel far too familiar for me to want to even accept them. I've been down those roads too many times and I don't want to follow those paths anymore.

It's never a fun thing, being so afraid to succeed that you cling to the certainty of failure instead.

Life is feeling really good for me right now. I just don't want to fuck it up.

I knew there'd be days like this. Doesn't mean I have to like them.