Century Mark

I've been writing this blog for 100 posts now.

A hundred posts in a little over four months. In the grand scheme of things, I guess that means I've had a lot on my mind and almost as much to say.

In the last few weeks, for every instance I feel compelled to finally get in front of all the things that are still holding me back, I've had these equally long spells where I get that all-too-familiar feeling.

That I can't beat this thing. This Yang. This part of me that my friends have called a "a monster that's blacker than black."

I hate admitting when I can't do something. It's a combination of all the anger I've hung onto and the pride of fighting as hard as I have to get even this far that keeps me from saying it.

Truth is, though, that I can't beat it. I really can't.

It's not an admission of defeat as much as it is simply realizing that I'm trying to get by something that knows me better than I know myself. It can anticipate my moves, understands my strengths and how to exploit my weaknesses. And it's at its most dangerous in convincing me that every friend is an enemy and every enemy is a greater enemy. It understands that the more isolated I am, the easier it is for me to feel more beaten and that this is all I am ever going to be.

I know I can't beat it because I don't know how. I've thrown everything I have at it. Every trick. Every weapon. I can make dents in it. I can get it off me for a little while, but it always comes back. Sometimes in weeks, sometimes in minutes.

That doesn't mean it can't be beaten. It just means I know it can't and won't as long as it's just me standing in front of it.

So, if I am going to take that horrifying First Step, then this is the way I know it's going to have to start.

If you're reading this, and if you care about me at all, then I am asking you...

It's not going to be easy. It won't be pretty, and there will be days where I will fight back at you because that is my defense mechanism against getting away from the dependency I have for all that anger and stubbornness.

but I am asking you...PLEASE...

Help me beat this damn thing, once and for all.