Over the weekend, I got into another heated discussion with a friend about my inability and unwillingness to get past the stasis I've remained in.
"I know you've been really beaten down and I know it's a terrifying idea, but I promise you, if you can get moving again, it'll be worth it," she said. "And you don't have to do it alone."
In the interest of context, it should be noted that I told my friend the exact same thing repetitively over the last year or so, as she had sworn off the idea of forming new relationships herself. In the last three weeks, however, she allowed herself to meet someone and things appear to be heading in a more positive direction.
"You kept telling me to do it and you see what's happened," she said. "So why shouldn't you be able to have the same thing?"
The short answer is that's not how the world works.
The long answer is because I don't deserve it, because being able to take that first step means putting a certain level of trust and faith both in the world to not let me fall again, and in myself that I know which direction to go.
Having been dropped several times now, I'm not willing to put my faith in this world to support me anymore.
And I have no faith, absolutely none, in myself. I never have. Not in a single damn thing I do.
From the time I get out of bed in the morning to the time I get back into it at night, I anticipate that I'm going to fail at something. I'm not going to say the right thing, or perform a task to the level of expectations that those around me and oversee my life have. It's been that way for I don't know how long, but the simple reality I grapple with every day is that I'm just not good enough. Not for my job, not for my friends, and definitely not for anything resembling a love life.
Such is what comes with having people tell me they'll, "always be there," then running away when times get really tough. And before you start with the tired cliche' of, To err is human, I don't care.
I don't care because that mindset got hammered out of me over a very long period of time. I don't get to be just human. I HAVE to be better. I have to be both smarter and stronger than all of you and don't get the luxury of fallibility. It is a privilege that I lost along with a great many other things, and I honestly have no idea if I can ever have it back, no matter what I do from here.
Do I want to remain stationary forever? Of course not. Being like this for this long has been bad enough. But whereas it's so much easier for other people to look to the horizon and think of how they can get past it, that's not what I see any more.
All I see is a very thin sheet of hope separating me from that hole I've fallen into and climbed out of more times than I ever wanted to.
And I also know if I take that step, and it gives way, I won't survive another impact.
No comments:
Post a Comment