Restlessness

For a while now, I've understood that one of the biggest impediments in keeping me from getting noticeably better is how little sleep I get. So about six months ago, I started changing my routine so I could make sure I was in bed at a reasonable time and getting at least seven solid hours of sleep every night.

I especially took advantage of the past three-day weekend and with my alarm off, tried to let myself absorb as much unadulterated rest as I could.

I didn't get out of bed until about 10 a.m. yesterday and by about 3 p.m. or so, I was so tired, I think I could've fallen back to sleep for another 5-6 hours.

Now if I'd gone and run a couple miles or did some heavy labor, or spent all day getting a million things done, I suppose that would make sense. But all I did yesterday was go down the street to get some work done on my car, take a 30-minute walk in that interim, come back home, sit on my couch and pretty much just putz around.

I got into bed at about 9:45 last night, read for about an hour or so, then fell right to sleep with my alarm set to go off at 6:30 this morning. I woke up even before it went off, then went back and forth, in and out of sleep until it finally did. I then slapped the almighty SNOOZE button until I finally pulled myself out of bed at 7:30.

Based on how I'm feeling, this means that by the time this afternoon rolls around, I'm going to be rather wiped out, and this is pretty much par for the course for me.

It's a weird place to be, knowing that if I really don't want to sleep, I can make it so I don't have to. But also knowing that if I want to rest, for some reason, I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

And I do want to rest, because I am tired. My friends have been telling me that for months now.

"Dev, I see how exhausted you are. This is killing you," said one the other day, actually.

To be fair, it's not that I haven't tried things to help me get better sleep. I used to take melatonin pills when I needed to, but the side effects were pretty nasty because they either wouldn't work, or I wouldn't reach REM sleep, so I wouldn't dream.

I also know that not being able to get that sort of rest is a big part of what is going on in my head. This has been a problem for a long time, dating back to when I was barely a teenager, and has gone relatively unchecked.

My life has always been about trying to do more with less and making the most of my time, even if it meant I wouldn't sleep for a prolonged span of time. As a country and a species, I've heard no end of the stupid cliche', "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

Well, I am dead.

I feel dead, and the only way I know that is going to start changing is if I can get some much-needed rest.