Checkmate

I have never been much of a player when it comes to chess.

In fact, I rather suck at it.

I don't say that to cast aspersions on myself. It's just what it is. When I was a kid, I learned how to play. Learned how each piece moved and how the ultimate goal is to simultaneously claim your opponent's king while protecting your own.

Chess is also similar to poker in that the best players learn not to play the pieces on the board, but the person sitting across from them. You have to be strategic and learn to anticipate where they will move so you can counter with the right defense.

While I was tucked away out of circulation, many moons ago, I remember watching some of my compatriots play chess and wanted to really learn. I played a couple of games, but ultimately never cultivated an education in it. What I also failed to really understand until just recently is that even though I haven't sat at a board in nearly 20 years, I've actually been playing a different version of it in my head against everyone I know for at least that long.

What I developed was a means by which I could anticipate actions that would lead to potentially negative consequences for me, without forcing myself into a gambit and sacrificing any piece of mine. This means always trying to keep two or three moves ahead at all times, even if that meant dictating what those closest to me did.

Because my goal's always been the same. How do I make sure I can never get hurt?

That requires not only a rather manic need to maintain control over my sphere of influence at all times, but also a willingness to be manipulative in achieving the anticipated outcome and a rather ridiculous amount of mental energy and stamina.

Trying to figure people out by thinking two or three moves ahead at all times is damn exhausting, which makes me wonder both how and why I've done it this long.

I know the why. It is purely a defense mechanism and a means by which for me to feel clever by thinking I know someone so well that I can react to whatever they do even before they think about doing it. Only it's all complete guesswork generated by the very large clump of fear and insecurity which has influenced a great many things I've both done and not done.

It's the how that honestly boggles my mind, because it totally bucks any concept of common sense. How I ever thought that this was the best way to shield myself from the risk of relationships and being a social animal, I have no idea.

It also makes stepping away from such a practice hard to do, though, because of how familiar with it that I am. To me, it feels so natural at this point that turning it off is going to take a lot of work.

But as the philosopher Joshua once observed, "A strange game. The only winning move is not to play."