That emotion is anger, and at the moment, I am righteously pissed off.
I'm pissed off because I've found myself in a situation I couldn't have foreseen, and to be honest, it is so juvenile in nature that I really am not sure if there is anything to do about it other than shake my head and wonder how I could've ever been attached to such people in the first place.
I could try to explain it, but even as I go back through it in my head, it sounds so preposterous that I will not insult your collective intelligence by doing so.
But it still makes me mad, in part because I'm in no position to end the situation or even inject some much-needed truth into it. Honestly, I'd love nothing more than to grab the two people I'm tied to in this rather unpleasant scenario and shake them until they see the truth.
Only I can't do that, because I can't change people. I can only change myself, which is hard enough, let me tell you.
As I said before, in being so entranced in my Yang for so long, I began listening to and associating with the wrong people. People who inevitably held me back and allowed the Yang to become more firmly entrenched in my state of mind, than reinforcing my Yin and helping me to evolve.
In fairness, that was also a conscious decision on my part, given where my head was at at the time, so I do not escape some level of responsibility for that.
But in doing so, I burned a lot of those who were trying to help and show there are in fact better people in the world, if only I could give them a fair shot. And I feel horrible about that, I truly, truly do. Some of them I've been able to get back in my life. Others I can't, and maybe I never will.
The simple truth is I don't need any more chaos in my life. I need order. I need structure and a grounded foundation for my soul to truly heal.
I've had enough chaos for more than one lifetime. I'm done with it.
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