Until recently, I had no clue just how much my behavior revolved around passive-aggressive patterns.
That's not a joke, nor is it in itself a means of being passive-aggressive. I really, honestly, and completely did not know, because I honestly didn't even know what the term meant.
I have since learned. Oh, how I have learned it. I wish I'd been educated about it a hell of a lot sooner as it would've probably spared me and a lot of other people a whole hell of a lot of headaches from banging our collective heads against the wall waiting for me to figure it out.
All I can tell you is from my perspective, it didn't feel that way. It was just me expressing myself in the ways that were most comfortable to me, and when you find an operating mode that not only is comfortable but gets the sort of reaction or attention that you want, you're going to stick to it.
Since beginning to research it, however, I've realized how intrinsic those patterns have been in my life, as well as how long.
They've been there a long time. A REALLY LONG time, and not only did I not know it, but as I grew, so did they, as I suspect all acquired and learned behaviors can. The bitch of it is the not knowing I was doing it. Not being able to recognize it in myself, but the simple and potentially unpleasant fact is I can't change what I don't know.
And I didn't know. I've been on this planet for 36 years and it wasn't until about 18 months ago that someone had tried to convince me how passive-aggressive I'd become.
I wish I'd listened. I wish I'd been in the frame of mind to not react in the very way she tried to tell me about and start trying to figure out what it meant. But I didn't.
Now does this mean that I know about it at this point, I think it will suddenly go away? Again, I wish, but of course not. You don't undo a good 25 years of established, entrenched behavior overnight. I know that and hopefully those around me do too.
The next step for me is to keep doing more research, start reading books and getting information on the most effective way to deal with it, because I also don't presume to think it's something you can permanently remove from your mind. At some level, every one of us is capable of and probably exhibits some level of passive-aggressive behavior every day of our lives.
I know there's times where I'm probably going to slip back into that mode, even after I put the work in. If I may ask a favor of you going forward, it's this.
PLEASE, if I'm interacting with you and I start falling back into that groove, point it out to me. I know it might be unpleasant for you, and I apologize up front, but I can read books and websites and talk to doctors until I'm blue in the face and my eyes are crossed.
I also have to be able to recognize what triggers it for me, then work through it. The only way to change behavior is through repetition, trial and unfortunately the occasional error or two.
Now that I have a little more knowledge than before, I will try and keep the errors to as few as I can.
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