One of the first books I ever had in my library as a child was this gigantic picture book all about the solar system, and even though I couldn't pronounce the planets at that age, I distinctly remember sitting in my room for what felt like hours, just totally immersed in things like Jupiter's Great Red Spot, or the Asteroid Belt, or even little Pluto, which I consider a planet even if we're not supposed to anymore.
By the time I got to middle school and began studying astronomy in earnest, I became fascinated with the concept of a supernova. As far as we know, there is no greater destructive force to exist in this universe than when a star explodes.The amount of energy released can annihilate whole planets, change the orbital paths of entire solar systems, create nebula and comets and is the true unstoppable force matched only by the immovable object of its counterpart, the black hole.
I suppose in some ways, it can be considered the ultimate Yin/Yang expression, but as we human beings are always trying to confirm our place in the universe, as well as our connection to everything outside our own tiny speck of interstellar real estate, I keep coming back to a question that I'm not entirely sure how to answer.
Why do I seem to feel things so much more intensely than the average person?
I know that's both a generalization and an assumption because it's impossible for me to truly gauge my own emotional combustibility versus everyone else. At the same time, however, I can only go by what I feel from day to day.
And what I feel, more often than not, is like I'm two breaths away from erupting in a cyclone supernova that will tear this place apart.
*Editorial Note: Don't ask me why, but I find Cyclone Supernova to be a killer name for a rock band. Anyway...
It's not just relegated to the times where I'm angry or frustrated, though they are often the times in which it manifests most easily. On those rare occasions when I'm happy and can relax and enjoy myself, I do all I can to soak it all in and project what I'm feeling back into the mix so I can keep my Yin flowing through me as long as possible.
The times I've felt truly, passionately in love, the intensity of it has been so strong that more often than not it actually becomes a detriment to forging any type of relationship, much to my chagrin.
And when my feelings become brooding and fill my head with self-loathing and the full strength of my Yang is unleashed...well...I've already explained what that's like.
To me, it seems like such a cop-out to say that my emotions are like this because I truly don't know any other way how to feel what I feel, but in actuality, based on what my life has been to this point in time, how can I honestly not be expected to have more emotional volatility than someone who's had a more easy-going life?
I've been told I don't know how many times that I need to learn to keep my emotions in check, but here's the catch. Emotions are both autonomic and subjective. Yes, it is completely possible to react in a particular way to an external stimulus, be it a person, a thing, or a situation you find yourself in. But there is the other side of the emotional coin where your mind reacts to the same stimulus without so much as a thought.
It's those instants where in a nanosecond you can go from being perfectly relaxed and calm to being so enraged or excited or amused that after you've had a chance to step back from it, you're left scratching your head a little bit wondering, "What did I get so angry about?" or "Why could I not stop laughing about that?"
I realize there is only so much about myself and how I feel about things that I can functionally control. A lot of that has to do with my own self-expression and perception when it comes to emotional reactions of other people. At the same time, however, it is incumbent upon those around me to understand and accept the fact that for whatever reason, what I feel is so strong that it's often takes all I can to restrain myself so as to not overwhelm them.
Because I really don't know any other way, and that is the best I can figure out at this point in time.
No comments:
Post a Comment