I am, effective immediately, officially retired from the dating and relationship game.
This isn't a new development or something that came to me willy-nilly out of the blue. I've actually been thinking about this for over a year and despite my effort to convince myself to the contrary, it just feels like the right decision.
When I got divorced, I suddenly found myself in a position I hadn't been in since I was 18 years-old. Being single. But unlike when I was that age, now I had everything I'd brought with me through those 16 years of the only relationship I'd ever had. Even before that, it wasn't like I had this incredible string of girlfriends to begin with.
Before I met my wife, my longest stint in anything resembling a relationship had been 12 days when I was about 16. Sad to say, that was with a girl who turned out to be rather crazy. Hence why we didn't make it to 13.
*Editorial Note - In the young lady's defense, I was equally, if not more crazy at that age, as the people I went to high school with will likely testify to under oath.
Now in that span, were there girls I was interested in and wanted to pursue relationships with? Yep. Did it ever happen? Not even close. And at the time, I still possessed enough small fragments of self-confidence and self-worth to convince myself I'd be okay. That I'd head off to college, get my career going, meet the sort of woman I wanted to be with and then everything would be what I wanted from there.
That didn't happen either.
So now, here I am, considerably older and with my heart having gone through the proverbial meat-grinder one too many times, I think I've had enough for a while. Honestly, I don't see the point of putting myself back out there. Not right now. I'm not interested and I feel like it would be a waste of both my time and that of whoever would be willing to take a chance on me.
And to be brutally honest, the one I want is impossible, so to suddenly go off and try and find a stop-gap, band-aid to fill that hole just seems stupid, pointless and unfair to whomever I'd try that with. I'm not going to do that. I'm better than that.
If I'd had a good run of relationships that were seemingly like everyone else's then maybe I'd be more confident about trying again. But I didn't, and for right now it just feels better shutting that side of myself off and focusing on what I need to do to get me to where I want to go, than thinking about whether I'm good enough for someone, which I don't feel remotely like I am.
Whatever it is most men possess that makes him keen for a woman to consider dating, I don't have it. I simply don't...and I really don't know if I ever did. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be writing this.
So that's it. I'm done, and I'm not all that upset about it either. If anything, I feel like I'm doing the world a favor by having the self-respect of taking myself off the board. Does it mean I'll never go back on it? I don't know and I'm not going to think about it for a while.
Maybe someday, when my heart feels strong enough again, I'll see. Professional athletes retire at my age and try to come back all the time. Why should I be any different?
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