Unfortunately, I didn't reach that sort of prolificness in my productivity, but averaging more than 20 posts a month is certainly nothing to scoff at.
I've also been trying to determine whether or not it's in my best interest to keep going with this into 2014. Not because I don't think it would be helpful, but toward the end of the year, I found myself running out of things to say.
So rather than continuing in the same vein, with a new year bringing new prospects and new perspectives.
I'm 36 years-old, divorced and have been through a hellacious few years...
...and that's okay.
I have a son who I love, but right now, being a part of his life is difficult in part because he's so young and his family is so obstinate. It's not always going to be that way though...
...and that's okay.
I've made mistakes I regret very much. Things I want more than anything to change, but I can't because what's past is past. It's an incontrovertible fact and the only realistic thing I can do is learn from them, live with them and forgive myself for them.
...and that's okay.
The people I love in my life are more valuable to me than I value myself sometimes and I don't see that as a weakness. I'd do anything for them and I'd like to think they know that. Yes, my loyalty and devotion has come with consequences and I've gotten hurt. If I have to learn to forgive myself then I need to be willing to do the same to them.
...that's okay.
I have things I'm good at. Really good at. I can write, create, cook, drive and more. I'm learning to play the guitar and want to learn how to make webpages and relearn Russian. It's frustrating that I haven't mastered those things yet, but the fact that I haven't and won't overnight is not a bad thing. I'll get there in time if I give myself a fair chance.
...that's okay.
I've spent the last three years hiding from the world, sitting in my cloister because I thought I needed to. Being a part of it isn't a detriment and it's not a worse place because I still occupy it. I miss my friends and being a part of bigger things this year.
...it's okay.
After 25 years living in the same part of the world, I'm wanting to go somewhere else, start clean. I don't think that's a terrible thing. I do like Portland a lot. It's a major part of my life and always will, just like the people I got to know here. Moving on isn't bad, though. I don't where I might go next or when it might happen, but if it does, I have no reason to be afraid of it.
...it'll be okay.
The feelings I carry are more intense than they are for the average person, be it love or hate. It's not a recent thing. It's who I am and has been for a very long time. There are elements to it that I can work on, such as trying not to take things so seriously and relax when I need to. But at the end of the day, my feelings are what they are and no one, not you, not even me can change them.
...and it's okay.
Being me is okay. It's not always a walk in the park, but I'm also not what I was. I've spent the last two-thirds of my life trying to reinforce that point and for now, that's going to have to do. It gives me a baseline to start from in moving forward instead of looking back. It's time for me to stop convincing myself of that and just going with it. Hopefully those around me will too.
It'll be okay if you do.
No comments:
Post a Comment