Sheltered Life

My whole life, there's been two things I've really wanted to do.

Learn how to fly a plane...and how to jump out of one with the goal of landing safely on both counts.

I was at the local swimming pool a few years back and while I've never had any issues diving off the low board and while watching kids half my age jumping like daredevils off the 3-meter board and higher, I somehow got it in my head that I could do the same thing, no problem.

Then I got to the top of the board, thinking how hard could it be to step off the end like I'd done dozens of times, launch into the air, turn, and hit the water.

Seemed simple enough. But I couldn't do it. I stepped to the end, saw how high I was above the pool...and totally chickened out. Instead of diving like Greg Louganis, I stepped off and did something likely akin to the Funky Chicken all the way down.

What I took away from it was something I feel has plagued me my whole life. I always wanted to be sure enough of myself to do the things I truly wanted to. But somewhere along the way, I guess I lost my nerve.

I got scared. I got close-minded and conservative and full of the sort of self-doubt that allows me to create grand ideas but shuts me down as soon as I started trying to make them work.

Acknowledging that makes me incredibly angry with myself for not being willing to take more of those risks, because I never thought they'd pan out and I got too full of bullshit to even really try.

For the last month, I've been working on a novel. It's not my first, but it's easily the most personal story I've ever told. The first couple of chapters came pretty easy, but the last few have gotten more difficult. Even though I spend all my time during the day churning out newspaper copy and my weekends talking sports, I've been cutting in a few hours every week to get more done. Whether I'm doing laundry or sitting in bed waiting for sleep to finally hit me, I feel like I'm not happy unless I get a few hundred words down at least.

I know I'm taking a big risk by investing so much of myself in writing a story and making it become a book that other people can read. If it fails, then I know it will hit me hard because I went to the lengths I have. It'll bother me, a lot.

But I'd rather step out there on the edge of this life, just once, and know how that feels to have done something that could be great too.

Tally ho.