Contrary to common sense, I do go back and reread whatever I post here. I do it because still being the part-time perfectionist, I worry about sounding like a complete and utter idiot and also because I don't want to repeat myself if I can help it.
So I sat down and went back over the last few and came to the following conclusion:
My mind has been flying around like the prototypical pinball, hitting every emotional blinker, ramp, thumper and cushion along the way. I ricochet between happiness, misery, joviality, rage, self-pity, guilt, and confusion.
And it's left me both exhausted and completely punch-drunk.
I know that part of it is because of the time of the year and other circumstances which I have absolutely no control over. Doesn't make it a whole lot easier, but they're tolerable, even if they leave a lingering sting.
The other part is because of conflicts I've created for myself which I haven't been able to totally solve yet. Combine the two and it becomes a rapid-fire cacophony of thoughts and feelings that becomes a blur after too long. It's kept me awake many a night this week, trying to sort it all out and figure out what, if anything, I can really do.
I don't like feeling quite so helpless in my own head like this. It's scary, not being entirely sure what it might be during the day which will make it kick in from one mode to another. Some days it's a song on my iPod, or something on my newsfeed on Facebook, or a half-second flashback that sprang from either the forefront or the deep recesses of my memory.
The trick to mastering pinball is having quick reflexes and to anticipate the trajectory of the ball once it's in motion. You have to be able to control it. Not let it control you.
And then if all else fails, it's not out of bounds to give it a good whack and show it who's boss.
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