Exiting Purgatory

I apologize for this up front if this gets away with me a little bit, but I've been feeling very conflicted about this for a while and as this is my place to consider such things, it's better than not trying to figure it out at all.

I'm 36 years-old. I'm a divorced, absentee father, and that is not by my choice. My son is going to be three years-old soon and in that time I've seen him for all of seven weeks if you add up all my visitation time.

I've been homeless, friendless, incarcerated, vilified, condemned, abandoned and abused and I have made egregious mistakes which have impacted me both physically and emotionally for a long time. I've got the scars to prove it.

I don't want to deal with those things anymore, which is why I've been trying as hard as I have over the last few months to get past them and get out of this purgatory-esque bubble I feel like I've been stuck in for a long time.

Here is what is bothering me. It's hard enough convincing myself that I've earned the chance to get out of that bubble, given everything I've done in the last 25 years. I'd like to think I have, but I can't help but shake the feeling that to the rest of you, I haven't and so I should stay right here.

*Editorial Note - I acknowledge that what I just said is a blanket statement and not indicative or reflective of everyone I know. Any objections are duly noted.

In the last two years, I've been searching all over the country for something which can facilitate that new start, and even that is a daunting thing for me because the last time I did it, I was 12 years-old and getting on a plane to cross the country because that was my mother's decision, not mine. Doing it on my own feels so much more frightening for reasons I expect are not exclusive to me.

Namely, if I do this and it doesn't work out, then what the hell am I going to do?

Naturally, I try talking to my friends about it to get their input and some form of reassurances that if I decide to relocate, further my career, try for a new relationship, or even just try to do the things that can bring a measure of joy and peace into my life, which I need and could really use, that what I'm doing is okay.

Every time I hear that from someone, though, I can't help but feel an undercurrent of an unspoken, "But...," sitting there like a land mine just waiting for me to step on it.

Now I know the first thing someone would counter with is, "Why should it matter what these people think of what you need to do with your life it it means you can be happier?"

The simple answer: IT MATTERS TO ME.

It matters because valuing other people's opinions of me over my own was drilled into my head in Pavlovian fashion from the time was a boy. I get my validation that I am who I'm supposed to be through the reinforcement of those opinions from the the people who mean the most to me. I can't be the only one in the world who does that either and I'm not saying it's healthy, but it's what I feel.

So the question I guess I have is what would you have me do? Continue sitting here and beating myself up over all these things or try and get somewhere where I don't have to anymore and be happy for once?

I know going forward I'm going to have to make some pretty hard decisions that I'm going have to live with. But I have to make them if I want to get out of this damn bubble where I've sat in for way too long. Like it or not, criminals are let out of prison everyday because they've served their time and unless the punishment is warranted, they can't stay there forever. I am one of those people and I've done my time, both inside and outside.

When I tell people I want them to be happy and try to support them in that cause, I do so because I honestly care and hope they can find that happiness. I guess I'm hoping that when my time comes to do the same, those around me will understand why, and they'll wish me well on my way to getting there.