Trust

"I've lived long enough to have learned,
the closer you get to the fire the more you can burn.
But that won't happen to us.
Because it's always been a matter of trust."
-Billy Joel, "A Matter of Trust"

There was a time when I was willing to put my full level of trust both in myself and the people in my life.

Those days feel long gone, because if there is one thing I've come to accept in the last few years, it's this.

With very, VERY few exceptions, trust is something I have little of anymore.

That includes trust in myself as well.

The reason why is fairly simple. I invested that trust in too many people who were neither willing nor able to reciprocate on the same level I was, and in the end, I got hurt each and every time.

This is far from a recent development either. Growing up, I had to get used to keeping people at a distance because it was just easier for me to navigate through everything I was dealing with. Eventually I hoped there would come a point where I wouldn't have to keep doing that, and for a little while I didn't.

For about 15 years, I put my trust in people who I cared about more than anything, who I was able to make promises to and keep them. I took those promises seriously, as I also did the promises that were made to me. I expected them to live up to them because I had every intention of living up to mine.

Only they didn't do it. They'll never admit it, but it doesn't change the fact that they didn't. My trust turned out to be completely misplaced and the realization of that hurt like few things I know of, because if I couldn't trust my own family or those I allowed to be part of my family, then who the hell could I dare try to place that trust in?

I don't know. It's been three years and I still have no idea. And it could take another 15 years before I feel safe enough to try, but for right now, all I know is that I can't.

There's an exchange at the end of Casino Royale which cuts to the very core of how I feel about it and what I've taken away from how things have gone.

"You don't trust anyone do you, James?" M asks.
"No." Bond replies.
"...Then you've learned your lesson."